My World

I’ve been sitting here grinning like a wanker for most of the evening.. and it’s hard to explain why.. (no, I’m not drunk!)

So I wrote my “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do” entry a few nights ago, make of it what you will.. then today Brian reads it.. I get home from work and he pops up on MSN and tells me to read his blog, where he’s written a reply.. and it’s all so Shawn/Craigslist type of thing and just silly..

I phone him.. and we chat.. for over an hour and a half.. and it’s all good - it really is.. which I’m not totally sure anyone else actually gets.. especially not the way we do..

It’s most definitely over, we’re most definitely friends, I’m most definitely less sad than I was. It doesn’t really make sense, but the fact that we can have crazy conversations about the past, the present, the future, rant and rave whimsically about life, the universe and everything is, I think, a true testament to who we are as people and the strength/depth of our friendship. A bit too sickly sweet and ego-stroking for you? Meh - deal with it! Cos that’s how it is, we know the score, and it really is allllllll good :-)

Link: podcast23.mp3 (27:24, 12.5Mb)

Bit later than usual cos I was out for dinner, but here’s how this week’s show looks:

00:00 - Intro
01:15 - Gym update
03:15 - Tuesday: Bar None
05:00 - Thursday: Australia Day / Moose down under
07:00 - Friday: Project cancelled!
09:00 - Movie: What The Bleep Do We Know?!
11:00 - The IT Crowd - http://www.channel4.com/itcrowd
13:00 - Weird dreams
14:00 - Adam Curry / Roger Smalls - http://www.curry.com/ / http://rogersmalls.blogspot.com/
17:00 - Saturday: Hanging with Brian and related stories
20:30 - Movie: Nanny McPhee
21:45 - Men’s Health: White bread = 4 tablespoons of sugar
24:00 - Binge drinking
25:30 - Ricky Gervais - http://www.rickygervais.com/
26:30 - Wrap up + feedback request
27:24 - DONE! :-)

Apologies for all the coughing.. you’ll be glad to know I had a BIIIIG glass of water as soon as I was done recording and am now slightly less cough-y (but only slightly!)

Neil Sedaka had it right when he sang “Breaking up is hard to do”.. At least, I think that’s who sung it.. but I don’t actually know the song myself.. ANYWAY….

It’s weird. Because much as I’m pretty cut up and an emotional mess with the whole Brian thing, we’re totally able to talk and hang out. I have these pangs of sadness that come and go in a flash, and I have these longer “I just feel sad and blue” periods. It sucks, it does my head in, I know it’ll get better with time and it’s something I just have to work through, but I still hate it.

We’d said last week that we’d catch up one of these days.. just so it’s not totally weird when we finally do come to hang out, because it’s been 7 months since we last saw each other or whatever. Tentative plans were for lunch on Sunday, but we changed those round and decided to do something on Saturday. I had a car for the day so we figured we’d do lunch, pick up the visitors from the airport, then move the rest of Brian’s stuff from my place back to his seeing as we had a car at our disposal. And it was fine.. we went for lunch, chatted, hung out, came back downtown, hit the drug store, all fine.. even when we’re back at mine and he’s packing his stuff up, it’s fine.. I keep out of his way, chuck some music on.. he packs.. we head off.. and it’s fine! Until we get to his house…

I give him a hand carrying stuff inside.. he goes off to grab my jacket and a camera memory card.. and his parents are talking to me.. and it’s just weird. I dunno, it seemed a bit egg-shells/tippy-toey.. and it seemed like they were giving me this pittying kind of look.. and I know I’m a bit of a sensitive sally sometimes, but I honestly don’t think I was reading this one wrong.. and it makes me sad.. I dunno why.. I went to Safeway and felt out of it.. kinda lost and disconnected and sad.. and not really understanding why.. WEIRD!

Was it a delayed reaction to the whole “finalness” of Brian taking all his stuff out of my apartment? No.. I don’t think so.. cos lately when I’ve been feeling emotional and stuff’s touching a nerve it’s happening right here, right now.. not some delayed reaction later.. and I honestly felt fine at the time..

And that’s the thing.. I’m in a state of acceptance now. I get that he doesn’t want to try and fix things. For him it’s over, a done deal. Sure, it hurts.. a lot.. but life goes on.. what can you do eh? I wish I’d made more of an effort earlier, I wish things hadn’t gotten as bad as he felt they did, because maybe we could have worked stuff out.. But that’s not how it played out so here we are, at different stages in our lives, wanting different things, acknowledging that we had some good times, we’re both decent people, but knowing that the “us” thing doesn’t work. Sad, harsh, but true.

What happens next? Fucked if I know - that’s the million dollar question isn’t it.. The logical half of my brain says that things will improve over time, I’ll love again, and be loved, I can be normal and happy and cool.. The emotional side keeps chiming in with “No! You’re sad! No! You’re sad!”. The logical side says “It takes time, but it will get better - you’ll see!” while the emotional side kinda just scoffs and says “Yeah, right!” alternating with “Yes, but when? Maybe this whole feeling shit thing’s going to last a while”. The logical side counters with “Fuck, get a grip - you’re in control of your life so take control already!” while the emotional side has the last laugh with “Nuh-uh-uh, not so fast there laddy Jim, you need to suffer a bit more first.. haven’t quite decided how long.. but definitely until you’re bored to tears of it”..

I think the moving on process will be a lot easier for Brian because the break up is liberating for him - he wasn’t happy for a while, he took charge, took action and is empowered by it all - he’s now free to move on and do what he really wants to do.. And I honestly wish him all the best - we both know we’re good people, and want the other person to be happy.. But for me there now comes a period of recovery, and it scares the shit out of me - it’s daunting, confusing, and overwhelming.

Oh dear.. woe is me.. it’s really not all that bad is it? no.. it’s really not.. it comes and goes.. sometimes it’s fine.. but when the lows hit, they really hit.. such is the way of a sensitive sally..

One of my favourite nightclubs back home was Les Folies D’Amour, which Babel Fish translates as “Madnesses of love”. I always liked that phrase cos it describes it so perfectly. You meet someone new and you get the madnesses of new love.. the butterflies in your stomach, the cutesie warm’n'fuzzies, the realisation that magic is happening and it’s wonderful. Then there are the madnesses of love lost, the stuff that drives you up the wall and down the other side. I’ll settle for the former any time.. but when you’re in the midsts of the latter it’s hard to feel it’s even a possibility.

Meh, nuff said.. I’ve waxed lyrical enough.. here’s to tomorrow, to a new week, to a new attitude (maybe).. to going to the gym.. to eating healthier.. to meeting new people and having good times.. yeah right - are you fucking kidding me? it’s going to be dark, cold, wet and miserable. AGAIN. Cos that’s the forecast for the next 7 days according to tonight’s weather report on TV. Hmm.. Hawaii anyone? Australia? Anywhere where it doesn’t rain for WEEKS in a row, continuously?!

Paul out…

Friday: Left work early and came home. Popped in to see Antoine then went to Metrotown to grab a bite to eat. Came home with plans to maybe go and see a movie which didn’t really happen because I couldn’t get my act together with timing.. ended up chilling, reading, a bit of TV, and went to bed around 11:45 when I realised I was falling asleep on the sofa.

Saturday: Some major clean and tidying of the apartment in the morning which was possibly ever so slightly overdue. Got presentable and went to pick up a rental car. I was heading to the airport to pick up Rob’s sister Carla and her friend Suz who are in town for a few days. I picked Brian up first, we were gonna grab lunch then he was along for the ride. First time seeing him since the final formal break up chat and it was fine.. mostly.. I’ll blog more on that later..

Hung out with Kevin in the evening and went to see Nanny McPhee. Good movie, very easy entertainment. A few cheesy bits here and there, but what do you expect from a family movie - they love to throw the cutesie bits in there a few times (and it’s generally so not cutesie, more just annoying!).

Sunday: Woke up, phoned Glen & Rebecca back home to catch up, spoke to my parents, and finally got up around 10:30ish. Paul and Clare phoned to see if I fancied lunch at Lonsdale Quay.. sure, sounds like a plan! Spent most of the afternoon hanging out over there, then came home. Brandon popped round for a bit, nice to catch up and stuff.. then tonight I mostly chilled.. did a bit of preparation work for some project work I have to do.. half watched Desperate Housewives as I was doing it, then crashed out on the sofa to watch Grey’s Anatomy. I love that show!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen.. that was my weekend, this is my totally pedestrian blog entry..

Rewind to Friday. I’m at work. The boss calls me and Tomas in to his office for a chat and gives us the heads up that our project is being cancelled. Huh? Whaaaaat? Multiple reasons, it was all explained to us in a big project team meeting later on in the day.. but it left me feeling a bit like “Huh.. what do I do now then?”

Was my previous 9 weeks of work just wasted? No.. because it wasn’t all on this one project, and I had a lot of fun doing it.. it’s more just the uncertainty of what I’ll be working on next.. I’ll find out tomorrow when Sia’s back in the office, ready to delegate.

My biggest disappointment? That I won’t get to see this thing launch, see how people use the system, and be able to say “I did some of that!” when the thing launches.. Oh well.. you know those ads you see on TV late at night with the hot blonde chick that says “What am I doing tonight? I’m staying in, and talking on the phone!” and acts all thrilled at the prospect? I write those systems! When you call that toll free number to get your local number, I wrote some of that! Mmmm warm’n'fuzzies! :-)

URL: http://www.paulgraham.com/love.html

I saw this on slashdot the other day and finally got round to reading it tonight. I got off to a great start then kinda waned a bit towards the end, the TV was distracting me.. but it’s a good essay I think - the guy raises some interesting points.

Check it out, see what you think, leave feedback if you’re motivated to…

Sometimes it’s so nice to wake up before your alarm goes off.. but when the night before was a bit of a late one, it’s not what you want so much.. You want to stay in bed and be well rested.. But meh.. whatever.. here I am, about to head off for work, feeling mostly good.. bit of a dodgy stomach but nothing major.. conscious that I have a head but not really hungover headachey.. result!

I had some other point to make.. but it escapes me.. that’ll be those brain cells gone for good then eh?

In other news.. I’m not sure I like how these jeans look from behind..

Update (9:10am) - I remember now.. it’s the weather.. it was SO nice yesterday - I had to go to Broadway on the SkyTrain and it was so awesome looking up at the snow capped mountains in the sun, clear as anything. And today was another gorgeous sunny morning (although apparently rain’s forecast for later this afternoon/evening?). Walking to work, the temperature thing said 12, the sun was shining, nice!

Update (12:50pm) - Of course, scrub all that waxing lyrical about the weather cos it’s raining now.. Bag of shite!

URL: http://www.worldsbestbars.com/city/vancouver/bar-none-vancouver.htm

So.. Bar None.. who knew? Seems it’s one of Vancouver’s little secrets.. Monday and Tuesday nights a fab group called Soultrain jazz it up with some cool funkadelic music that’s just.. wow..

Went out with Ryan, met his friends Josh and Jordan, had a few drinks, danced a bit (yes, DANCED! WHO KNEW?!), came home far too late for a work night (possibly having had a drink or two too many, but we’ll see what the morning brings) and here I am. Would I go again? Sure! Good vibe, great atmosphere, and a totally good night out!

I thought the point of having a flashy new phone with a camera in it was to take pictures and document this kind of stuff, spice the blog up a bit.. ho hum, next time eh? ;-)

PissedAndBlissedPaul(tm) out..

Link: podcast22.mp3 (46:27, 21.0Mb)

More of a normal one this week.. except for the length maybe?

Some random ranting and burbling on to start things off, then a big rant about the whole situation with Brian and what’s been going on during the past week. It’s been a real rough ride, and there’s still a lot of hurt and pain.. but time heals, onwards and upwards etc.. just one of those things that you have to deal with in life right? Here’s how the show looks this week:

00:00 - Intro
00:30 - Discussion of last week’s podcast
03:30 - Adam Carter + my podcast ranking in iTunes
05:00 - Brandon’s videos - http://crickster.filetap.com/
06:30 - JunK-Y’s big trip + Asterisk stuff - http://www.tinyurl.com/chpxl
10:00 - Drinking: Responsibility and liability
14:30 - At work: Financial Year 2006 Kick Off Event
17:00 - My surreal earthquake dream
18:00 - American Idol: Are they harsher this year?
19:15 - A trip to the dentist.. on a Sunday!
21:00 - Meet the co-worker
24:00 - Healthy improvements + going to the gym again
29:00 - Feedback request + your feedback options
30:15 - Promo: http://ultimatemix.blogspot.com/
31:15 - The big rant about breaking up with Brian
46:00 - Wrap up + feedback request
46:27 - DONE! :-)

Phew.. bit of a long one eh? And all that without mentioning that there was a federal election in Canada today! Oh well.. did anyone really care anyway? (although I did vote, for the record)

Time’s funny. Sometimes it goes by quickly, sometimes it drags on. Sometimes it seems to pass at a normal rate yet things that really weren’t that long ago feel like they were ages ago. It’s funny how your perspective of time can vary so much.

Friday: Went out after work with Antoine. Hit the Lennox but it was mobbed so hit the Loose Moose. Nice enough place. You have to order food if you’re having more than 2 drinks (licensing restrictions I guess) and the food was nothing special. Saw Alyson from work for a bit too, she popped in to meet her bloke who was late.

Saturday: Busy, packed day.. that flew by but kinda didn’t really feel like it did? Not sure if that makes sense.. met Kira for lunch, got a haircut, then met up with Corey to show him how to use Quicken to manage his finances. Grabbed more food then met up with Kevin to watch Underworld: Evolution. Very average, not as good as the first one, meh, whatever.

I was walking back to mine when Josh phoned. He’d just dropped Brian off round the corner and figured he’d say hi cos he hadn’t spoken to me since we got back from the UK. He came round, we had a beer, I filled him in on the Brian and me thing. There should be some appropriate end of paragraph sentence/point here, but I’m not really sure what to say.

Josh left and I bussed it over to Antoine’s place, him and his room mates were having a house party. It was cool, I met a whole bunch of French-type people, some from France, some from Montreal and Quebec, who all seemed very nice and normal, regular kind of people. Maybe it’s true what they say about east coast versus west coast? Good conversations, a few beers, I left around 1:30 and cabbed it back downtown.

Sunday: Woke up early feeling dodgy. Generally, I’m more of a vodka kinda guy, but the night before I was drinking beer and it left me with a bit of an upset stomach. I phoned Rob back home as he’d phoned the night before to find out what was going on, having heard from Glen and Rebecca that something was up with me and Brian. We had a good chat, then I called my parents. Had a good chat with them too. Jon popped up on MSN so I gave him a call too, finishing off my triple play of quality conversations.

After lunch I went out with Kira for a walk along the sea wall which was nice but a bit on the cold side. She dropped me off at the dentist for 50 minutes of scale and polish trauma and a nag about my wisdom teeth again.. It’s the “ounce of prevention’s better than a pound of cure” argument versus “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” school of thought. My dad’s been told a bunch of times he should have his wisdom teeth out and at the ripe old age of 61 he’s still got them intact, no problems.

Went to Broadway afterwards to check out where a building on East 10th was.. turns out it’s conveniently close.. coming back on the SkyTrain some crazy asian woman’s putting her handbag on the bar on the back of my seat, jabbering away as she rummages through it.. Uh, yeah, don’t mind me love - you just clonked me with one of the handles! Silly mare.. made me smile though cos the bloke opposite saw what was going on and remained completely passive.. hello? how’s about a vague smile to acknowledge the awkwardness that occurs on public transit?! fuckwit!

Chilled out tonight, caught up with the newspapers, watched Desperate Housewives and Grey’s Anatomy (love that show!). Watching the news now before hitting the sack and it’s full of all the election drama (we’ve got a general election tomorrow).. then the weather forecast, which basically says rain for the next 7 days - whoopy fucking shit!