Warning: I’m ranting and raving, venting, letting off steam.. some might argue I should write it, delete it, be done with it.. but meh, whatever - my blog, my life, my memories right? Right.
ARRGGHHHH You know what I hate? I hate when you get wound up over something but you’re not exactly sure why and then that winds you up even more and it all goes a bit Pete Tong!
Great day at work. Had my 90 day review, probation now completed and I’m a permanent member of staff, woot! I come home, eat, then head out to the movies. Meet Kira there, Brian turns up 10 minutes later, we go see Transamerica (IMDB currently rates it 7.9 out of 10, I’d give it a 7 - bit slow in places). We’re leaving, Kira asks Brian where he lives cos she’s driven down and is probably thinking of giving him a lift home (totally decent thing to do in my books!).
He says False Creek but he’s headed downtown near my place. Which cracks me up cos I don’t know why he can’t just say he’s headed over to Mr X’s, which I already know from discussions yesterday and totally don’t have a problem with (special day or not be damned!). Prior to this conversation even starting, I’d got it in my head that I’d probably walk home cos a) it means Kira can go straight home and not go out of her way, and b) I fancied a walk with my iPod on and I had to swing by the IGA for milk on the way home anyway.
When I say I’ll probably walk, Brian asks me multiple times if I’m ok, am I sure, really, honestly etc etc, then says he can see something in my eyes.. What the fuck? I really hate that. It’s one of my pet peeves that winds me up. I don’t know why it does, but it does, and always has done. If I say I’m alright I’m either actually alright and you’re reading me wrong, or I’m not alright but I’m going to say I am cos I don’t want to talk about it and you should drop it. Which one of these was it tonight? The former.. so definitely the former!
We get to the traffic lights at Burrard and Smithe. Brian says he’ll jump out cos he’s headed up Smithe. I say I’ll do the same cos I’m hitting the IGA for milk and don’t want to be dropped off at home then walk a block back to the IGA.. then we have this weird fucked up conversation where I’m saying I’m fine, even though the tone of my voice would suggest otherwise, but it’s more out of general frustration than anything particularly aimed at him. And the worst part of this is that there’s no way I can say that it’s got nothing to do with it being Valentine’s day and him going over to Mr X’s etc without it sounding like I’m just saying that shit and trying to convince myself or whatever.. which, fuck, is SO not the case!
Then we have this weird interaction where I’m trying to say I’m fine, I’ve got no beef, it’s all good, but he’s having none of it cos I’m still ranting like a crazy highly strung person, which is more my frustration with the whole situation than anything specifically to do with him.. and.. breathe.. breathe.. take a fucking breath Paul.. I tell him to go off, have a great night, see you soon etc.. but it still feels wrong and awkward and fucked.. so 30 seconds later there’s the “Look, I’m sorry, I’m acting like an asshole and I don’t know why” phone call from me to him.. which probably didn’t help matters much.. ARRGGGHHHH!
[time passes, Mark calls, I rant on the phone for a bit, then come back to finish my blog entry]
Fuck.. I dunno.. there’s no way I can say anything about this being nothing to do with him and Mr X, or Valentine’s day, or any of that shit without it sounding like I’m in denial or trying to convince myself or whatever but it’s all just a crock of shite cos it honestly has nothing to do with any of that. The whole deal was more the “Are you ok? Really? c’mon now, tell me what’s up, I can see it in your eyes” thing which has always wound me up (although I don’t know why).
Hmm.. full moon.. now THERE’s a possible explanation! (Seriously - that thing makes massive bodies of water (oceans) move large distances (the tide going in and out), and the human body is like 70% water - you’re honestly telling me it has no effect?)
Rant over.. let the aftermath begin.. always interesting, when you blog about shit like this.. and for the record, this SO isn’t meant to be “I write stuff in my blog then you reply in yours” thing.. Jared asked me the other day about stuff I’d said in my podcast about Josh and my birthday and if he’d be hurt/pissed by it. Meh.. maybe.. but it’s nothing I wouldn’t say to his face.. yet at the same time can’t be arsed bringing it up cos it’s really not that big a deal. I’ve always said “You got a problem with me? Pull me on it!” and I appreciate the people that do. Nuff said, I’m done.. (FINALLY!)
Update: Name of “the other bloke” changed to “Mr X” to protect the innocent.. at Brian’s request.. *shrugs* fair enough.
